It's hard when someone you've been so close to for so long is suddenly not in your life. And when you do talk, it feels like although things are decently comfortable...maybe a little too comfortable...everything is different. Why is it so much harder for one person to move on than the other? And why does that hurt almost as much as the fact that we have to move on? I wish that time would stop and yet, at the same time, that time would hurry up and move...I want this ache to go away...I want the tears to stop flowing..

Ok. Now that that's out. Sorry for continuously getting all mushy and dramatic...I just usually write, lately, when something is emotional...I haven't been as into the mundane, everyday things lately. Also because Jamie was here for the weekend. It was awesome having her here. We got to do all sorts of fun things, even if they weren't all that exciting. :) It made me miss home and my parents. I think I am going to try and go home for August...hopefully visit other family who I never get to see and just relax, get away from it all...It's funny that sometimes you need to run away from the place you ran to in the beginning. It'll be better once I'm in my new place, with people around, and things to do. Probably too many things to do. But at least it'll help distract me.

So thankful we don't all have to get shaved/buzzed

So, I come home this afternoon to this greeting me at the door:




(She wouldn't hold still)

Well, no shot glass for Callie...they just weren't cool enough. If I'm going to buy her one, it's going to be one that I wish that I had for myself. The museum, however, was very fun. It was very fitting to the theme of MTA; the entrance is the entrance to an old subway station. My favorite part was getting to go down to the tracks and look at actual cars from all the subway trains through the years. Very very cool. Unfortunately, I was an idiot and forgot my camera...so. No pictures. :( I think I may take Jamie there when she's here - it's only $5 and it was pretty neat.

Tonight we watched Hellboy in preparation for Hellboy II, coming out July 11. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would, which was nice. Hellboy was followed by some rousing rounds of RockBand. It was good to have a chill evening, specially since last night was a bit too alcohol-ridden and strange.

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You know, lately I've been feeling like such a bad person...I just feel like I'm constantly a hypocrite, which I hate..I hate feeling like I *think* that I am so open-minded and accepting of other people's likes and opinions...but then I say and do things that completely cut down people and what they like.. and this has been brought to my attention too many times in the last couple of months. I try so hard, but then I just end up lashing out at other people because I'm so upset with myself and my faults.

I feel so empty...

Not all the time...but a depressing amount of time.

Can't remember my dreams last night, other than that there was something about a towel, and room service. Haha. I don't think they were very interesting. Gah, life is weird sometimes.

Anywho, I think today Sarah and I are going to go to the MTA Transit Museum! I'm excited. I think I'll buy Callie a shot glass there. :)

Time for a break?

Yay. I might be going home for all of August! I still have to decide whether I think I can handle it yet, but I think I'm going to try and plan a lot of trips during the time. Hopefully I'll go visit my aunt and uncle in Columbia, SC, and then my uncle in Hilton Head, SC and then, maybe...Key Largo, FL to visit my other aunt and uncle and cousins! It'd be awesome to be able to escape to the beach for a time. I think that that would help me.

I'm feeling a little better overall, but I still hit moods where I'm super depressed and everything...but I guess that's natural.

I wish that this all didn't have to happen... :(

Dream 2

I was the Grinch. We were having a party at Mom's house, which we had sold. We were all hanging out and then my Dad got kinda pissed at me and told me that lately I've been tooo grumpy. I got upset and left. Somehow, at some point, I became Sonic the hedgehog, and started running places and collecting coins. Then I was myself again, and everyone at the party suddenly got involved in a mock-war, where our bullets were little pieces of cheese that we threw at each other. I had amazing aim. Then I was summoned from across the street, to a store for parties for some reason...I can't remember the rest anymore...

Dream

I'm getting my haircut by Tracy at Ananada's. It's after hours and she's agreed to do this specially for me. Sarah and Nicole are there too, reading and talking together. In the middle of the cut, my family comes in, but not my immediate family - my aunt and more cousins than I actually have. They distract, and suddenly Tracy is my grandmother, feeding them spaghetti. I am forgotten. I get upset and leave, and suddenly I'm on a raft in the middle of the ocean with a bunch of robots that are fighting - they're not dangerous though. Really it's an animation that Harry has made and it's realistically playing out on this raft in the middle of the ocean. I decide to put them away so that I can get back to land. Unfortunately I realize that the box that they all go into is too close to the edge of the raft, and Harry's going to kill me if his pieces fall into the ocean. I jump into the water and, grabbing hold of the edge of the raft, try and push the box away, hoping that the weight of me holding the raft isn't going to instead send them over the edge. It's dangerous, and I'm not sure what else is in the water with me. Finally the box is pushed away and I somehow clamber back onto the raft. Suddenly we're near land, but it's really a lot of porches right up to the ocean. I see Dan on one porch without any railing, so I try and make for that. The current is strong and I end up grabbing onto a porch where there's a party going on. I try and drag myself and the raft over to Dan's porch, where, strangely, there isn't any water. I make it. The raft is somehow still floating even though there isn't any water. I get off the raft and pull out my English homework that we apparently were supposed to work on together.

I rode my bike today for the first time in...a long time.

I need practice to say the least. And a helmet.

I dreamed about the beach last night. I was walking along, alone. I had a book, and a towel...it was evening. I wasn't wearing a bathing suit - I wasn't there to swim. Just being there relaxing was enough.

What a peaceful dream... I wish it could be true.

Yay! Last night I actually got chilly!!!! And slept under my blankets!!! Finally, it looks like the heat has broken....hopefully. :)

My knee looks like a bruised apple. Yum...

Miserable

I am sooo miserable. It is too f'n HOT up here! My tiny little fan is not good enough...94 today and I think a million degrees in my little room. Sleeping is miserable, sitting is miserable, life is miserable. I had an attack of tachycardia today - one that would not go away. The combo of heat, stress and sadness is not good...I think I need to let myself talk about it or slowly let it out as the pressure builds, rather than letting it build up and then randomly explode in a horrible, tear-filled explosion at 4 in the morning. Bleh. I'm going to go lock myself in the freezer now.

Alcohol and sadness rarely mix well

Bleh. I hate feeling like this. Most of the time I'm ok..not great, but ok. Surviving. Trying not to Think. Doesn't work too well, but it gets me through the day. So this past week I made a decision - I'm quiting my internship. I've just decided that it's not an opportunity that I really want. So with that and the events of recent weeks, it's been pretty emotional for me. But damn it, I was going to have fun and drink this weekend. Sarah and I went to see the Sex and the City movie, which I really enjoyed. Obviously you don't go in expecting to see Oscar-winning stuff, but I did enjoy it. I laughed, I cried. Strangely, much of the movie made me sad...I guess the events could sorta relate to my life. Not the whole I'm-forty-and-was-jilted-at-the-altar thing, but loosely related. Anywho, so we do that and then head back home to hang out with friends and drink. It's fun. Pretty much the whole night. Then, suddenly, things start going downhill.....VERY QUICKLY. The boys are taking us home, so that we don't have to walk by ourselves in our current state of inebriation. Harry makes a sudden turn - I was not prepared. Hence, I fall flat on the pavement, in the middle of the road, while a car is coming. I have a very hard time getting up, and my knee is hurting very badly. I start to tear up and get kinda emotional, and then...I couldn't stop crying. For an hour. Thank goodness Sarah stayed with me and comforted me...it was just like Wednesday night alllll over again...except with alcohol and a killer hangover today. :( Time for some diner food.

Sphere

So Sarah and I watched 'Sphere' tonight - an awesome movie, by the way. (Not great in like an award winning way, but fun and kinda creepy and sorta makes you think...but don't think toooo hard about it) Anywho, so there's this very small role - a helicopter pilot - and he has the goggles, and the headphone things so you can't realllly see his face, and his voice is a litttle distorted through the headphone speakers but I was all, "that dude reminds me of the dad/main character in the movie 'Duets'." I got up and found that that 'dude' was none other than Huey Lewis (of Huey Lewis and the News). So I forgot about it and then at the end of the movie, during the credits, I see 'Huey Lewis' as the helicopter pilot. That made my night. That, and the Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade bottle - the large one - that said: "Berry. Berry. Big." Remember, small things people.

Weirdness

I hate feeling like this. About everything. Not just the job, but everything. I can hide it most times, at least up here...but it's weird. I sorta feel like it's not real. That it didn't happen. But....part of me knows it did happen and it gets sad. But it feels weird to be so normal up here. :(

Well, I'm back in Brooklyn. Got back last night after a looooong wait for a taxi. Sarah was so sweet and had a huge piece of cheesecake waiting for me. :) It's been hard...being at the beach - far away from home and everything else - was nice though. I think I needed that break. Being back at work is rough...I just don't feel like doing anything. However, having something to do helps me not think....kinda.